I am learning, more painfully than I ever would have chosen, what it means to be a melancholic artist. I have come to realize what I have known all my life, which is that I struggle constantly with "being sad." Some call it melancholy, some call it depression; I’m not interested in technical definitions as this stage. Furthermore, whether my scenario is the result of nature or nurture is of little benefit today. How shall I live today in light of this reality? How can I fight against these feelings, which, if left to their own, lead me to fear and thus draw me away from God and His work? Please don't mistake me here! I am not waxing poetic, rather I am admitting my weakness and wanting to grow up in Christ in the midst of my unhelpful, depressive tendencies. Can I get a witness?
The text below has been a starting place for me. John Piper gives an outline entitled, "How Then Shall We Fight for Joy?" and the following is one of the points therein.
8. Learn to Preach to Yourself Rather Than Listen to Yourself
“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation.” (Psalm 42:5)
Have you ever realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them but they are talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you. Now this man's treatment (in Psalm 42) was this: instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself, "Why are thou cast down, O my soul?" he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says: "Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you." (Martyn Lloyd-Jones)
Taken from John Piper's Desiring God (Sisters, Oregan: Multnomah, 1986, 1996, 2003), 358.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Towards Faith from Fears
Dear Jeanna cont...
I do not mean to appear preachy, if I have please allow my care and zeal to shine more brightly than any felt offense. I too have been learning about my fears and my sinful ways. I must own and confess my fears, sins, idols, etc. It's the brave who face those fears. It's the timid who flee, blaming others and running to worship idols in order to save themselves from their fears. Oh how we all have loved our idols more than our Lord God, nearly losing our lives in our wickedness! (Isaiah 2:5-11; 3:16-26; 4:1-6)
You are not alone in being afraid. You have your own unique fears and you hold to them; yet know that everyone else has their bag of fears too. No one argues that our repeated, sinful actions often stem from our childish, childhood decisions. Yet, even so our parents don't make us continue to sin as adults. We have need of salvation because of our sins! God is just (Ezekiel 18).
Again, I too am afraid, terribly afraid. I'm scared so much sometimes I feel waves of despair and I even embrace them. Pray for me and for others who admit their fear...just as you would have us pray for you! Mr. Miller would often have his students read this verse when we struggled. "God has not given us a spirit of timidity (or cowardice), but of power and love and discipline" (II Timothy 1:7, NASB). Let's help one another believe in Paul's inspired words to Timothy.
For Christ's glory and our sake!
I do not mean to appear preachy, if I have please allow my care and zeal to shine more brightly than any felt offense. I too have been learning about my fears and my sinful ways. I must own and confess my fears, sins, idols, etc. It's the brave who face those fears. It's the timid who flee, blaming others and running to worship idols in order to save themselves from their fears. Oh how we all have loved our idols more than our Lord God, nearly losing our lives in our wickedness! (Isaiah 2:5-11; 3:16-26; 4:1-6)
You are not alone in being afraid. You have your own unique fears and you hold to them; yet know that everyone else has their bag of fears too. No one argues that our repeated, sinful actions often stem from our childish, childhood decisions. Yet, even so our parents don't make us continue to sin as adults. We have need of salvation because of our sins! God is just (Ezekiel 18).
Again, I too am afraid, terribly afraid. I'm scared so much sometimes I feel waves of despair and I even embrace them. Pray for me and for others who admit their fear...just as you would have us pray for you! Mr. Miller would often have his students read this verse when we struggled. "God has not given us a spirit of timidity (or cowardice), but of power and love and discipline" (II Timothy 1:7, NASB). Let's help one another believe in Paul's inspired words to Timothy.
For Christ's glory and our sake!
Fallen
Heaven Bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
by Sarah McLachlan
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
by Sarah McLachlan
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Toward Holiness, Away from Sinful Anger: II
Anger Is Our Sixth Sense
"Anger is most useful as a diagnostic tool. When anger erupts in us, it is a signal that something went wrong. Something isn't working right. There is evil or incompetence or stupidity lurking about. Anger is our sixth sense for sniffing out wrong in the neighborhood. Diagnostically it is virtually infallible, and we learn to trust it. Anger is infused by a moral/spiritual intensity that carries conviction: when we are on to something that matters, that really counts...What anger fails to do, though is tell us whether the wrong it outside or inside us. We usually begin by assuming that the wong is outside us--our spouse or our child or out God has done something wrong, and we are angry...But when we track the anger carefully, we often find it leads to wrong within us--wrong information, inadequate understanding, underdeveloped heart. If we admit and face that, we are pulled out of our quarrel with God into something large and vocational in God."
Taken from Eugene H. Peterson's Living the Message (SanFrancisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1996: 156-7)
"Anger is most useful as a diagnostic tool. When anger erupts in us, it is a signal that something went wrong. Something isn't working right. There is evil or incompetence or stupidity lurking about. Anger is our sixth sense for sniffing out wrong in the neighborhood. Diagnostically it is virtually infallible, and we learn to trust it. Anger is infused by a moral/spiritual intensity that carries conviction: when we are on to something that matters, that really counts...What anger fails to do, though is tell us whether the wrong it outside or inside us. We usually begin by assuming that the wong is outside us--our spouse or our child or out God has done something wrong, and we are angry...But when we track the anger carefully, we often find it leads to wrong within us--wrong information, inadequate understanding, underdeveloped heart. If we admit and face that, we are pulled out of our quarrel with God into something large and vocational in God."
Taken from Eugene H. Peterson's Living the Message (SanFrancisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1996: 156-7)
Toward Holiness In Times of Trials, III
Trust (Kevin)
There is no-one left in the world
That I can hold onto
There is really no-one left at all
There is only You
And if I leave You now
I leave all that we were
Undone
There is really no-one left
You are the only One!
And still the hardest part for me
Is to put my trust in You
I love me more than I can say
Why can't I just believe?
(adapted from the Cure's "Trust" as heard on their Wish album)
There is no-one left in the world
That I can hold onto
There is really no-one left at all
There is only You
And if I leave You now
I leave all that we were
Undone
There is really no-one left
You are the only One!
And still the hardest part for me
Is to put my trust in You
I love me more than I can say
Why can't I just believe?
(adapted from the Cure's "Trust" as heard on their Wish album)
Toward Holiness In Times of Trials, II
Trust
There is no-one left in the world
That I can hold onto
There is really no-one left at all
There is only You
And if ____ leave(s) me now
_____ leave(s) all that we were
Undone
There is really no-one left
You are the only One
And still the hardest part for Me
To put my trust in You
I love You more than I can say
Why can’t I just believe?
(adapted from the Cure's "Trust" as heard on their Wish album)
There is no-one left in the world
That I can hold onto
There is really no-one left at all
There is only You
And if ____ leave(s) me now
_____ leave(s) all that we were
Undone
There is really no-one left
You are the only One
And still the hardest part for Me
To put my trust in You
I love You more than I can say
Why can’t I just believe?
(adapted from the Cure's "Trust" as heard on their Wish album)
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Toward Holiness In Times of Trials
[As posted in response to Dwight P.'s "Heavenly Fulfillment" blog entry.]
It's hard to really believe that God can fill the voids we feel in life's hard times. I know I am batting worse that Corey Patterson when it comes to seeking God and not my fleshly desires in these situations.
I'm beginning to believer that happiness is not as valuable in God's eyes as holiness. Or as in the book that Gary Thomas has recently written, Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy. That hurts if I am at all worried that God isn't trustworthy. It is comforting if I see Him rightly and believe.
God help my/our unbelief!
It's hard to really believe that God can fill the voids we feel in life's hard times. I know I am batting worse that Corey Patterson when it comes to seeking God and not my fleshly desires in these situations.
I'm beginning to believer that happiness is not as valuable in God's eyes as holiness. Or as in the book that Gary Thomas has recently written, Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy. That hurts if I am at all worried that God isn't trustworthy. It is comforting if I see Him rightly and believe.
God help my/our unbelief!
Toward Holiness, Away from Sinful Anger
'Do not sin in your anger,' or so Paul instructs in his letter to the Ephesians. Yet, I think that I have treated anger as if it is a lesser sin. I mean, it's not one of the sexual sins preachers speak against. The church doesn't ostricize people because they are prone to sinning in their anger. Furthermore, anger doesn't even make the Ten Commandments.
Yet Jesus doesn't treat it lightly. He speaks against anger, linking it with the sixth commandent against murder. Paul too speaks against sinful anger in so many of his letters, linking it alongside sexual sin and others. James, the brother of Jesus, warns against anger in his NT letter too.
I often cycle through the Proverbs, reading a chapter according to the day of the month. In doing so, I am constantly reminded how foolish anger is!
How great a character flaw is my flesh's penchant toward anger? How many hats does anger don in my life? How much time do I waste stewing in sinful anger?
Yet Jesus doesn't treat it lightly. He speaks against anger, linking it with the sixth commandent against murder. Paul too speaks against sinful anger in so many of his letters, linking it alongside sexual sin and others. James, the brother of Jesus, warns against anger in his NT letter too.
I often cycle through the Proverbs, reading a chapter according to the day of the month. In doing so, I am constantly reminded how foolish anger is!
How great a character flaw is my flesh's penchant toward anger? How many hats does anger don in my life? How much time do I waste stewing in sinful anger?
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Toward Beautiful Friendship, III
As posted on Dwight P.'s Everything Blog (see link)
Mac said...
Dwight - This quote is in response to this post and your felt anguish over your sinful flesh. I am also including this quote in light of the larger context you find yourself in; the sin of an adulterous spouse. May Lundgaard's rewording of John Owen bring truth and hope!
The FLESH (sinful nature) is likened to a rhino.
"If a rhinoceros were to enter this restaurant now, there is no denying he would have great power here. But I should be the first to rise and assure him that he has no authority whatever (G. K. Chesterton).
...If you've read this...and seen a rough horn lowered at your soul, your own flesh snorting and pawing and ready to charge, there's hope. The more you discover the power of indwelling sin, the less you will suffer its effects. Because the better your know this rhino, the more you will hate it; and to the length that you abhor it--and no farther--you will grasp for grace against it.
But if you don't find yourself dodging the rhino's horn day and night in a struggle against sin, it may be that you've made peace with the rhino. You are willingly, happily under its power and rule. In that case, you should doubt that you are born of God. No one who is born of God can live at peace with sin (1 John 3:9). I appeal to you, for the sake of your soul: Run to Christ! Only he can slay the rhino in your heart."
Lundgaard, Kris. The Enemy Within. (Phillipsburg, NY: P&R, 1998: 29, 34.)
Mac said...
Dwight - This quote is in response to this post and your felt anguish over your sinful flesh. I am also including this quote in light of the larger context you find yourself in; the sin of an adulterous spouse. May Lundgaard's rewording of John Owen bring truth and hope!
The FLESH (sinful nature) is likened to a rhino.
"If a rhinoceros were to enter this restaurant now, there is no denying he would have great power here. But I should be the first to rise and assure him that he has no authority whatever (G. K. Chesterton).
...If you've read this...and seen a rough horn lowered at your soul, your own flesh snorting and pawing and ready to charge, there's hope. The more you discover the power of indwelling sin, the less you will suffer its effects. Because the better your know this rhino, the more you will hate it; and to the length that you abhor it--and no farther--you will grasp for grace against it.
But if you don't find yourself dodging the rhino's horn day and night in a struggle against sin, it may be that you've made peace with the rhino. You are willingly, happily under its power and rule. In that case, you should doubt that you are born of God. No one who is born of God can live at peace with sin (1 John 3:9). I appeal to you, for the sake of your soul: Run to Christ! Only he can slay the rhino in your heart."
Lundgaard, Kris. The Enemy Within. (Phillipsburg, NY: P&R, 1998: 29, 34.)
Toward Beautiful Friendship, II
As posted on Dwight P.'s Everything Blog (see link):
Dwight --
Remember that God is much better suited to help Jeanna with her pain. He will allow You to be His vessel, let Him lead you.
Remember too that she doesn't fully realize the horrible cancer that is her sin. He too is best able to help her see her deadly sin and lead her through repentance toward His loving propitiation for her sins - Jesus.
He loves her more than you, more than all of us combined. He is the Holy One, the One she has hurt the most (Ps 51).
Let us continue to pray for His loving grace to manifest His Holiness in her heart anew, bringing His light to reveal her "near and present darkness." Only then can she receive Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection with joy and thanksgiving again.
"What wonderous love is this, oh my soul..."
Dwight --
Remember that God is much better suited to help Jeanna with her pain. He will allow You to be His vessel, let Him lead you.
Remember too that she doesn't fully realize the horrible cancer that is her sin. He too is best able to help her see her deadly sin and lead her through repentance toward His loving propitiation for her sins - Jesus.
He loves her more than you, more than all of us combined. He is the Holy One, the One she has hurt the most (Ps 51).
Let us continue to pray for His loving grace to manifest His Holiness in her heart anew, bringing His light to reveal her "near and present darkness." Only then can she receive Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection with joy and thanksgiving again.
"What wonderous love is this, oh my soul..."
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Toward Beautiful Friendship
For those of you in GG, please pray for me as I go to be with my friend. Pray that God will help me to know when to help and when to just hurt; when to speak and when to be silent, when to advice and when to pray.
To any other who might blunder upon this blog. I am going to be with a friend whose wife is an adulterer and ready to leave him. I'm going to hurt with him and to help him in any way possible.
I have linked his BLOG, it's entitled "Dwight's Everything Blog."
"Lord have mercy!"
To any other who might blunder upon this blog. I am going to be with a friend whose wife is an adulterer and ready to leave him. I'm going to hurt with him and to help him in any way possible.
I have linked his BLOG, it's entitled "Dwight's Everything Blog."
"Lord have mercy!"
Monday, June 13, 2005
Toward Beautiful Worship, II
Pastor's sermon was simple and uneventful. I am starting to read D. A. Carson's "Worship by the Book" again and have set my mind to thinking about this more.
Lately I have been pondering John 17 and his use of "doxa" or glory. When we give "glory" to God, we are ascribing him weightiness. Does our worship reflect His infinite weightiness? Granted, how could it fully? Yet, is our 4/4 time, 5 chord vocabulary and predictable language doing Him justice?
I don't have an answer to this. I play rhythm guitar on the church band, yet (as you may have read) I am training to sing opera professionally.
I guess it comes down to this, at least in part. I can't sing beautifully at this church...my music preference doesn't seem to qualify as worshipful.
Lately I have been pondering John 17 and his use of "doxa" or glory. When we give "glory" to God, we are ascribing him weightiness. Does our worship reflect His infinite weightiness? Granted, how could it fully? Yet, is our 4/4 time, 5 chord vocabulary and predictable language doing Him justice?
I don't have an answer to this. I play rhythm guitar on the church band, yet (as you may have read) I am training to sing opera professionally.
I guess it comes down to this, at least in part. I can't sing beautifully at this church...my music preference doesn't seem to qualify as worshipful.
Toward Finding Unfaithfulness
A dear friend just discovered that his wife of almost a decade has been unfaithful for the past two years. She's been committing adultery with his friend and minister from his local church. Can words even begin to describe, to capture the pain and sorrow?!
It's in times like these that distance makes the heart ache. I can't believe she did this to him, to me, to all of us who have loved them over these years. Sin can't be isolated or quarantined, it's a damn nuclear fallout and everyone gets hurt. He's hurt, she's hurt, the kids are hurting, the friends, church, etc.
I've known these two since college and I am devestated. I can't believe how much I hurt, yet I know this pales in comparision to his hurt. Yet, perhaps no one person's hurt compares with the hurt God feels on seeing his daughter act so selfishly. I am reminded of Psalm 51:4, "Against You, You only, I have sinned and done what is evil in Your sight..." She's been trying to serve two masters for two years, but really she's only been able to serve her one master, her flesh. She's been re-enslaved to her flesh's desires to heal her hurts and desires and dreams on her own power.
May You help her to stop running, stop trying to save face, stop lying and start repenting of her horrible sins. She needs Your grace to confess that You are right in Your judgments and that she is in desperate need of a savior. Help her to see Your Son Jesus as the one who will forgive the contrite harlot, the unfaithful Israel, the whore Gomer, etc.
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
By Your favor do good to (Jeanna); build the walls of their (family). Then You will delight in (her) righteous sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offering; then (her best) will be offered on Your altar "
- Psalm 52:17-19 (NASB)
It's in times like these that distance makes the heart ache. I can't believe she did this to him, to me, to all of us who have loved them over these years. Sin can't be isolated or quarantined, it's a damn nuclear fallout and everyone gets hurt. He's hurt, she's hurt, the kids are hurting, the friends, church, etc.
I've known these two since college and I am devestated. I can't believe how much I hurt, yet I know this pales in comparision to his hurt. Yet, perhaps no one person's hurt compares with the hurt God feels on seeing his daughter act so selfishly. I am reminded of Psalm 51:4, "Against You, You only, I have sinned and done what is evil in Your sight..." She's been trying to serve two masters for two years, but really she's only been able to serve her one master, her flesh. She's been re-enslaved to her flesh's desires to heal her hurts and desires and dreams on her own power.
May You help her to stop running, stop trying to save face, stop lying and start repenting of her horrible sins. She needs Your grace to confess that You are right in Your judgments and that she is in desperate need of a savior. Help her to see Your Son Jesus as the one who will forgive the contrite harlot, the unfaithful Israel, the whore Gomer, etc.
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
By Your favor do good to (Jeanna); build the walls of their (family). Then You will delight in (her) righteous sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offering; then (her best) will be offered on Your altar "
- Psalm 52:17-19 (NASB)
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Toward Beautiful Worship
What or where is a beautiful theology of worship?
I wonder about it, especially knowing our church is endeavoring to cover the topic in three weeks' worth of sermons. The following, at least, are several key areas of discussion (in no particular order):
1) Music: Hymns vs. Contemporary
2) High church vs. low church
3) Historical survey of worship
4) Today's culture of worship
5) Biblical theology of worship
6) Critical analysis of numbers #3 & 4, using #5.
7) Is music truly neutral, or are there absolutes?
8) The places of emotional and physical in the spiritual act of worship?
9) The place of cultural relativity or preference in musical menus?
I wonder about it, especially knowing our church is endeavoring to cover the topic in three weeks' worth of sermons. The following, at least, are several key areas of discussion (in no particular order):
1) Music: Hymns vs. Contemporary
2) High church vs. low church
3) Historical survey of worship
4) Today's culture of worship
5) Biblical theology of worship
6) Critical analysis of numbers #3 & 4, using #5.
7) Is music truly neutral, or are there absolutes?
8) The places of emotional and physical in the spiritual act of worship?
9) The place of cultural relativity or preference in musical menus?
Monday, March 14, 2005
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